Self and Humanity

Sleeping had become a struggle and waking as the sun rose had left her feeling exhausted and short tempered.  She sensed the solstice approaching and wondered if her connection to the earth was speaking to her.  Lastnight she had dreamt of a wound reopened.  She had been feeling sad the night before with a realisation that her inner child dominated her presence in life.  She had once connected with her inner wise being but because her inner child had always run the show she knew she was too stupid to be wise.  There were aspects of herself which had become lost when she relocated and she desperately wanted to find them.  Her old, old life was never as chaotic  as her new one.  She had left the organised part of her Self in south east London and she anxiuosly wanted to reclaim it. 

 

 

She knew her wounds would become her children’s wounds and her lack of self esteem would be passed energetically to them.  The absence of her own mother would shift their personalities so they may become someone they would not have been.  But she would not be the person she is today either without her experience of loss.  As she looked in the mirror she saw a young women who had meandered through life without a mother, for the first time.  She saw a tired, worn out self who craved the affection of a mother, not for the first time.  She was lucky to have affectionate children who loved her tired face, regardless.  And she knew the affection she needed would never come, it did not exist.

 

As she plunged in to the depth of her psyche she loved her ability to know who she was and was proud to have written 330 words in 20 minutes.  Today she would feel sad for the world and her inner child would not beat her down.  She would continue the battle with her Self and humanity would realise their potential to harm each other and their self.

 

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”  Albert Einstein.

~ by girligorgeous on June 19, 2009.