The Essence of Life
The dark moments in life were when it was dark and as she sat at the keyboard looking beyond the darkness outside her window she hated night time more than ever. It was a time when she felt the safety of life leave her and she became a vulnerable weak insignificant being in the grand scheme of the cosmos. Even now heading into her forties she could not sleep in darkness. As she woke as the only conscious person in her house she heard the silence of life around her, she sensed the demons at her door and hoped the guardian angels she had placed around the house would keep her safe from all the bad things that could happen, all the bad things that could happen to anyone.
Today her mind had entered a place of madness, the images flicking through her mind, playing over like a stuck record. Today she wanted a lobotomy, today it was the only way out. She wasn’t clear who was playing tricks on her, it was either the mad doctor, the present – both in here and out there, it was the physiology she had been given and what ever happened the physiology she had to learn to live with because in this life there is no other. There is no escape as a human and what ever genetic make up her parents had given her she would always remember she was more than life itself.
As the darkness lurked beyond the night ahead she felt the fear of sleeping and somehow understood it’s connection to her own fear of dying. Because the black unknowness of sleep connected her with the rest of the universe and all the life and death in it. As she slept she connected with all those who she had loved and lost. A she slept she knew she was with her ancestors in a place too beautiful to be experienced in the existential world of humanity. In this place there was no existence, no eyes to see, to voices to hear, no flower to smell. Just pure spirit, the real essence of who she was, shared with all who had ever known or not known her. As she wrote she wondered if her place of no existence was heaven? If it was this would mean there would be God and she did not want God in her life, only the universe from which she came.
And as she woke for another day without her mum, the 7085th give or take a few she knew she was more than life itself as she sat on the fence of freedom a whole new life in the day waiting to be lived. She could live her life knowing she had spent the night with her loved ancestors. And as she woke in the night the fear of existence haunted her because sleeping was a place where she could feel safe and although it was a dark blackness it held the safety of the universe between its fingertips. As she sat at the keyboard she sensed the resistance to harm sitting beyond her shoulder and knew that no matter how unsafe she felt she was protected from matter by something that just can’t be talked about, the unexplainable essence of life known as the soul.
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